Sunday, June 6, 2010
I have watched my sweet pea grow. I was only 10 years and 364 days old when we met. I watched her grow from a beginning bloom into a breathtaking beauty. She captured me the moment I laid eyes on her. What a love filled me. It rose up from my belly and rushed down into my fingertips and toes. It made my heart swell and caught my breath. Her entrance into this world on March 10, 1984 completely altered my life. She was a surprise to me, and I love surprises! I didn't even know she was coming, but oh how I welcomed her. My heart opened up and swallowed her in all her cherub sweetness. The black curls and the rose bud lips. I hope that some day this will bring her some healing; to know that I wanted her, loved her, cherished her. From the moment I laid eyes on her I was smitten. She stole my heart and took up residence there. She has her own spot that can't be filled by anyone else. How do I even explain in written words at this late hour the joy she brought, still brings to me? The pride and even the pain, because I love her so much it hurts. If I had known the hell that she was enduring I would like to think that I would have been strong enough to intervene. I hope that some day I will be able to forgive myself for not doing something sooner. I am still in awe that she doesn't hold it against me and am so very thankful for the honor of being in her life. To be able to cherish all the magnificent things about her. She has made me a better person, by teaching me to be a better listener, to persevere when it seems impossible. She is a gift to me because she is my true family. In all the chaos and craziness of the last year I have lost so much, and yet there is Vera. I have learned now what family really is. Life as I knew it came crashing to a halt when my precious Vera smashed into the rock of reality that it was time to begin her recovery. My chest felt as though it would break open and spill out the ugliest color you could imagine when I learned of the dark places she had been in her childhood journey. I mean, I knew, but I didn't really know, didn't allow myself to know. It was too much. And then the time came. I guess God knew I could handle it now. However, I must say it broke me in two and caused me to lose my friggin' mind to really look at all the shards of glass she had to walk over. It was so frustrating to know that she had to walk through it in order to reach the other side. The side of healing, and new beginnings. Oh, how I knew what was coming. The dark, cold, lonely places she would have to walk. I wanted to shield her, to make it all go away, but I knew that would not allow her the freedom she desperately needed. So, instead, I tried to give her the safest place I could. She is always safe in my heart, but I also gave her a home. Everything in me wishes I could have given her a home from the moment she entered this world, but I was not able. It was not time. Why? I'll never know the answer to this question and perhaps it will plague me for the rest of my life. It is one of those things I will just have to learn to live with, the sliver that I can't get out. But, at least I know that for the last ten months we have had the opportunity to walk through all of this together and I would not trade these last ten months for anything. It was incredibly painful to watch the realities of abuse settle in and to see her unravel these painful knots, but what I now see emerging from inside her takes my breath away just like it was March 10, 1984. And yet, now, as I see her here in California and I know that our stories will still remain intertwined I wouldn't change one damn thing. Does it make sense? NO, it makes no sense in the natural world. I only know it makes sense in the places that are deeply felt, the spiritual places.
Posted by Jillian Lenore at 12:27 AM