Blank Pages

I'm starting over, there are blank pages before me. Today I'm drawing a line in the sand. I am discovering again who I am, what I'm here for, what I can have by taking care of me. I'm taking it all back the best way I know how. I'm taking back my innocence by standing up for myself. I'm claiming my victory over sadness, anxiety, depression, fear. I'm "opening up the dirty window" and "I'm just beginning, staring at the blank page before me"! I'm "reaching for something in the distance so that I may "feel the rain on my skin". I'm "speaking the words on my lips" and I'm "living with my arms wide open". If you haven't gathered, "Unwritten" by Natascha Bedingfield has inspired me more today than any other time in my life. "Today is where my book begins". "No one else can feel this for me". I am coming alive!! Is it taking an anti-depressant and therapy to do this? Yes! And who can hold this against me? You see, there are 10 years that were stolen from me, taken by the hands of wayward men who will one day face the wrath of Almighty God, and what a glorious day that will be! And today I am writing a new story. This story begins with reclaiming myself, rediscovering me by taking the biggest step of all. I can't even believe I did it. This should have been done years ago, but one doesn't understand how paralyzing it is to be violated at such a young age. One does not realize how horrible acts can come back to haunt you years later after they transpired and before you know it the Statute of Limitations holds you captive from finding any justice. But, does that mean I lay down and give up? No! You see, I want to live again. Damn the Statute of Limitations! Because I stood up today for me and I walked into that Police Station and I held my head high. I took my power back and I reported every single man who ever violated me. I had no idea how empowering this would be! And yet, so incredibly painful. I left with my heart torn in two and I wept for that little girl who was never cared for. The police officer was so gracious and affirming. God bless him! While he could not do anything but take my information due to the damned "Statute of Limitations" he did take a report and put in the system and even gave it a case number. And you know what? That matters! But I digress! The pain from revisting these horrible acts was heart wrenching. In fact, it was so painful I felt that I would rather have my bones crushed and my body slammed against concrete than feel the pain of reliving those moments where I became a victim. I know that sounds pretty harsh, but unless you have experienced sexual abuse you don't know the agony, the crazy-making fear, the feelings of powerlessness, the feeling that your going to split in two. You don't know how a sound, a smell, a sight can trigger the most horrific images like a horror movie playing in your head that you can't turn off even though you know what's coming. The pain that causes your whole body to tremble and make you feel like you would rather break in two, than feel any of those awful moments again. Now maybe you can see why it would possibly be preferable to have your bones crushed and your body smashed than to face these ugly images yet again and again and again. Oh, but lest I cause you to feel despaired, let me say that there is hope. Because this step I took today was both horrible and glorious at the same time. You see, as I drove home my God spoke to me. And you know what God gave me? He gave me this, "Jillian, I love you, and I am so proud of you". And again I felt that blessing pour down on me that tasted like honey slid down my throat and warmed me from head to toe. As I was driving home I realized I've been walking around like a shell of a person. I closed off parts of my heart, my mind, my emotions. It was too painful to feel, to live, to be. Now, I am taking my life back!!!!! I deserve this. As it dawned on me that shutting off those parts of myself was no way to live, God gave me the promise that He has more for me than that horrible movie that plays in my head that was unforunately my reality as a child. And I recalled Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future." Oh, my! A future? You see, the rest is still unwritten! And I can't wait to "feel the rain on my skin".