I decided to write another blog post after hmmmm.... almost a year!?!?!? I was astonished to find that the date on the last draft I attempted to accomplish was for November 2012. Seriously? The ironic thing is that today I was inspired to write about nothing other than... The Rush of Time. OK, so, obviously, time, for me, is literally rushing by as it has been almost 11 months since I used the venue of blogging for some catharsis. The other astonishing discovery? When I started the November 2012 post I did so from a place of sadness and, although my outlook on life did improve as January 2013 approached, September 2013 has not been the best and I once again am feeling the pull of darkness. The best part about all of this is that I was surmising in the middle of my "slump" last week that there may be a pattern to my depressive cycles because it always seems to hit around the start of the Fall season. Shall we say that after stumbling upon the November 2012 post I have had an "aha" moment? To give you a glimpse of where I was at here is the post from November 2012 titled "Kenosis" (Ki-Noh-Sis) -meaning "to empty". This title was chosen as a reflection on how I was feeling - empty.
KENOSIS (Ki-Noh-Sis) - meaning "to empty"....
The last few months have been hard. And that is putting it very
simply. My world has been rocked. And I don't mean in a good way. In
fact, I find myself staring down the black hole of depression again. It
hasn't completely taken hold, but it has come like a cloak and rested
its heavy weight upon my shoulders. The good news is that I am finding
moments where I can shrug it off.
At this point depression has not gained the upper hand and I am able
to resist the pull of its evil vortex that wants to suck me into the
world where I believe I am all alone. Unfortunately, the voice of reason
(I am not all alone) is more often drowned out by the emotions(I am all
alone). There is also great comfort and strength in writing these
things down. Somehow it helps to dispel the fear that I may once again
go to that place where I can't catch my breath or see the forest for the
trees. Confessing the fact that I currently have days where I feel lost
in a sea of blackness is akin to raising a white flag in surrender to
my pride. But pride has never served me well. If eating a piece of
humble pie allows me to see a shaft of light coming through the darkness
then hand over the fork
The truth is that in the depths of my heart I know WHY the depression comes this time of year. It is directly related to the start of abuse that occurred in my life. Last year the depression was challenging, but this year seems to be darker than normal. These days it is directly related to the ages of my children and in this knowledge I am obsessively aware of TIME. This obsession causes me to recognize the literal ticking of the clock. Yes, the clock on the wall, but even more so the clock of my life, the clock of minutes and hours that can never be lived again and turn into days, weeks, months, years all rushing by at a dizzying speed. The fact that I can't ever go back in time and take these moments captive, do not have the power to change them, is somewhat driving me insane. This rapid passing of time reminds me of the water that rushes through my fingers every time I turn on the faucet to wash my hands. It is way. too. fast. There is an urgency inside my spirit that births anxiety and the overwhelming desire to STOP THE TIME!!! I know that I must rely on Jesus to bring His peace and calm my restless spirit. There is truly nothing I can do to keep my children from the growth away from me that seems to occur at such a break neck speed. It is inevitable. I know rationally I must find the positive, the gift, the goodness in my children moving "out" from me, away from me to be their own person. I know this is the way it is supposed to be, the way I will measure my merit as a mom is in their independence. But today I am a screaming toddler throwing a GIGANTIC tantrum! I DO NOT want to let go! Can't I just keep them little forever? Because this struggle is directly connected to the chronological ages of my children the time has come, dear reader, for me to make that connection in writing so that I can hopefully move on from this place of anxiety. I must move on because after all isn't time precious? Don't I want every minute with my loved ones to count? Yes, a million times yes! So, here's the deal, my daughters and my son are at the same exact age where profoundly painful things happened in my life. Just seeing that written out in black and white makes my heart drop. Because I remember 8, 10, and 13 in vivid colors, smells, and emotions that make me want to go crawl into my bed, pull the covers over my head and never come up for air. I will spare details, but I do believe that this overwhelming desire to STOP TIME has much to do with wanting to go back and fix the little girl in me. I know that my three blessings are experiencing a completely different life than I did, I know that my projection of pain onto their childhood is not helpful. In fact, for the most part I can stop this projection and see them and their experiences for what they are, not for what I walked through. But, I am a work in progress. My hope, my prayer, is that in time this will get easier. Most of all, I am grateful that despite these dark valleys I have learned that when I take the hand of Jesus He leads me to the mountain top. And, ironically, this exploration of my feelings through writing took nothing other than TIME! And, dear reader, your time as well. Thank you for spending it with me.