About Me

Nooksack, Washington, United States

Monday, November 29, 2010

Never in a million years

Yesterday afternoon we sat at the kitchen table and we drank coffee and we talked. This time we talked about things that I never dreamed we would. I said things I never thought I would have the courage to say. And today my heart is awakaned again to the possibility of you in my life. I am left feeling "undone". I so badly wanted you to "see the light". I long for you to embrace me, mama, and to tell me that I am right. This feels so selfish, but I can't help it. I want to be right! I want to be validated!!! I want you to say that you won't allow the bad stuff into your life any more. The bad stuff was so bad, mom. It's still so bad. I, your youngest daughter, wait in the shadows of the bad stuff. I wait, longing for you to come over to my side. It is lonely over here, but God is good. He has provided many to come along side me. And, yet, just like every child, I want you here by my side. It is so maddening to see how you continue to enable those who have hurt me, your granddaughters and even you. How do you do that? Why do you do that? I will never understand it. Mama, you will lose me completely if you continue down this path. Is it not enough for you that your other daughter has turned her back on her own children? Do you realize this is not your fault? You did not do this, she did it all by herself? You can't fix this. In fact you are only making it worse by giving her the gift of you while she continues to embrace the man who preyed upon your grand children. If you do not give her a boundary you are telling me, and your granddaughters that what he did, what your daughter allowed to happen, doesn't matter. We won't wait, mom. We can't wait. Some have stopped waiting all together. I am barely hanging on. I will not have a relationship with someone who wants to paint the truth in shades of gray when it is black and white. This is spitting in the face of those who only want the truth to come out. It is telling them, "it doesn't matter, little child." Mom, IT MATTERS!!!! And never in a million years did I think I could hurt so much and feel such loss and pain. Please, I am begging, make it matter to you! I am desperate for you too see. Will you ever see? I am here with open arms. I have a beautiful family that longs to embrace you, too. We want to make memories together while the time is short. We don't have much left and yet it is being stolen by family members who don't give a damn. This is how I see it. They have stolen you from me, one piece at a time. They use you every day and play upon your sympathies. And I wonder what brought you to this place where you don't value yourself enough to embrace the good things in this life? That you bend over backwards for the ones who still are walking in darkness. Do I sound like the Prodigal's son's brother? Well, you know what? I am jealous. I have no shame in admitting this. Do I want you to be able to embrace my wayward siblings? Yes! Of course! And this is how I am different from the brother. You see, when the Prodgial son came home he came broken and in humility. He came with the recognition of all the wrong choices he had made. He came without his pride. He came understanding the grace that was being offered to him. It says right out of Luke 15:17 to 19 after the Prodigal recognizes the grace and blessing of his father that he had turned his back on, "I will set out and go back to my father and say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants." Do you see the difference? When the prideful come and admit there brokenness there is so much grace. I hope you know that all that is in my heart is hope, grace, forgiveness for those who have hurt me and our family. However, forgiveness does not mean allowing ourselves to continue to be mistreated. The Prodigal son "owned" his stuff. He acknolwedged and recognized his sin. So, yes, shame on the brother for not rejoicing with the father over the wayward son. I can say, without a doubt, this is also what I want to do. Here's the difference, there has yet to be true repentance and brokenness in your oldest daughter. There has yet to be the acknowledgement of the devastation of her actions and the consequences of those sinful choices. And yet somehow I am not allowed to point this out. I am considered to be "judgmental" and "too harsh". What shall I do then to gain your love and attention? Shall I become an alcoholic so that I too may be invited to your house again? Mom, there is so much good to celebrate in my life. Why can't I celebrate it with you? Yep, it seems there will never be a true peace or settling in my heart until I know you have actually declared good to be good and bad to be bad. Mom, child molesters and women who stay with them are sick. We can't fix them because they don't want to be fixed. As of yet, they don't want to change! But, mom, I am here!!! I am waiting...... Some may say it is pathetic and crazy, but I can't help myself. The little girl inside me still wants and needs her mama. I don't know if I will ever stop wanting you. Never in a million years....


  1. I'm sorry Jill. I wish I could do something to make this better.

  2. Allison, you already have. Your comment is perfect. It doesn't offer any platitudes or false sympathies. Thank you for the simplicity of your words. They mean the world to me.

  3. Loving the way Eugene Peterson puts Ps. 51:17 "I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered. Heart-shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice." He sees it... Your words (He hears!) are so perfect...thank you for expressing that yearning! We pray...cry...