Thursday, May 12, 2011
Alright, I gave myself more than a week and it's time for a new season. If you recall, I had decided it was alright for me to mourn my losses. That was good, but I'm ready to put it on the shelf again for awhile. I learned, I grew, I am stronger. Anyone who ever says it's not o.k. to revisit the past is a liar. For how do we move on from it if we don't pick up all those jagged pieces and discover just how they tore at our hearts? There is much wisdom in this practice. It is a great teacher. I learned that I am not required to rescue or fix anyone. As I mulled over the messages I heard growing up I realized that I had taken a great burden upon myself at a very young age. No one asked me to take this burden with actual words, but there was a great expectation that I sensed from a very young age. How does this happen to one so young? I'll never understand this mystery. I know it happens to many and I am not alone in this phenomenon. It is one thing I can't wait to ask God about. So, I now have given myself a great big hug and told my little girl she can let go of this burden she thought she had to carry. The burden of being a "good girl" so as not too upset the household anymore than the chaotic state it was always in. The burden of listening to disparing tales of bad decisions made by older siblings and being asked for advice on how to remedy the consequences of these decisions. How was I to know what was needed to right a wrong? The burden of lying in my bed listening to drunken teenagers as a fear enveloped my little heart and mind as to who would take care of me if something really bad happened? The burden of knowing mommy and daddy were at work and I was left in the charge of young adults that were acting in very childish ways. And it dawned on me as I pondered this jagged piece of my childhood memory that this must be where I first developed the concept that I, not being drunk or stoned, was the only one sober in my house at a time when my parental units were not there to play that role. Guess what? That really messes with a kid! So, to make a long story short, imagine if you will an extremely heavy weight attached to a very long chain that is shackled to my ankle. On this heavy weight is the burden of "taking care" of my siblings. There are the words "responsible one", "quiet one", "one who carries the worry", "good girl" are all scribbled in child like letters across this weight and it dawns on me that I am no longer a child! I DO NOT have to drag around these beliefs any longer! And this revelation has enabled me to take an axe to that chain and severe it with one swift hack. I am letting go of all responsibility to my siblings, imagined or real. I am NOT responsible to help anyone but myself! Freedom!
Posted by Jillian Lenore at 12:46 PM