I found some time to call the assistant to the Prosecuting Attorney and quickly dialed the number. I needed to know if there was any "resolution" to the nightmare we've been facing. I was immediately rewarded with a rush of great relief when she quickly informed me that there had been a guilty plea given. And then there was the rest of the phone call.... At first glance it seemed we were nearing the end of a nightmare, but no. It only is another beginning, another section of the shitty tunnel we have to crawl through. So, dear reader, today I find myself battling to even want to start my day. Since we found out that my ex-brother in law is asking for "treatment" instead of prison time the emotions have come over me like waves crashing on the surf. One moment I don't give a damn and I feel peaceful, calm, and intensely focused on my husband, children, my friends, my good life. The next moment I am reminded again of shattered dreams. I see these shattered dreams in full color as I watch my niece struggle to live life just one more day. I mean, can you imagine? Does any child come into this world desiring for an abusive home life? Do they come into this world expecting to be severely neglected by their mother and molested by their father? How does one begin to pick up the pieces of the shattered dreams of a broken childhood. How do we "fix" this? I've come to know now that it can't be fixed. The harsh reality is that this is now our "new normal". The phase where we process and deal almost daily with the sharp pieces of painful memories that threaten to steal the joy of the present. Thank God we are still finding joy, although it seems so rare and is more often than not overshadowed by the pain. But, I digress! The point of this expression time is to release some of my anxiety over the possible "treatment" plan that could be granted to the man who contributed to the shattered dreams of my precious Vera and Gretchen. Perhaps I seem like a very bad follower of Jesus when I cringe at the thought of this man out and about in the world. Oh, I know he will be closely monitored if given treatment, but somehow it just seems so unfair to me. This is why I must leave it in the proper hands. I can't give him any more of my emotion. It's simply not worth it. I have to walk away now and place it in God's hands. l do this with my own trembling hands. I really don't want to "lay it down". I just know that I am done..... I have no more energy to care or worry about the outcome, so lay it down I must. This leads me back to some good news. That good news is that history tells me that every time I have "given up", even though I don't want to or feel like it, I have been rewarded by the loving embrace of Jesus. I don't know how he does it, but I know that inevitably I will experience his peace and presence in this giving up moment.
And now I just need to take a minute to thank all of you who have been coming on this journey with me. I am sure there are times you are tired of reading my sadness. I am impressed and blessed by those who have "hung in there'' with me. You are Jesus to me. Thank you!