Please know this post is not for the faint of heart. It is drenched with an honesty that you may find disturbing. If you choose to proceed, please proceed with caution. If you have words of life, love, and wisdom, leave them here at the doorstep of my laid bare expressions.
Today my heart is heavy. It beats as loud as a bass drum. My whole body experiencing the vibrations, causing my musles to ache and my stomache to clench. It pounds in my head a rhythm of sadness. I am spent. Today my soul is sad. It is parched from lack of love and recognition. It longs to drink the cool water of a warm embrace where all burdens can be laid down and released. Today my mind is broken, battered. It aches from confusion and it is splitting in two. I am disillusioned by the people in my life I have known as my family for 37 years. There is so much secrecy and shame attached to this admission. I am not even sure how to go about dealing with it all. I feel so discarded and misunderstood, but I am only trying to see the truth, speak the truth, for myself. I just want to make sense of it all. How long have we lived with these "secrets" in our closet? Too long. The door of my closet is now bursting open and I can no longer push the skeletons back in and shut the door. There is simply no. more. room. I am bursting at the seams. Will we ever deal with the hidden mess? It has haunted us for years and nobody is really looking at how it has affected the whole fabric of our family. I feel like I'm losing my mind. What do I do with all of this? Where do I put it? This is the stuff that can't fit into the closet. It's my sadness, my anger, my frustration over the lack of acknowlegement as too how deeply dysfunciton has affected all of us. OH, I feel so alone. Did I mention I feel alone?
Depression is hitting me, as they say, "big time". I am as phony as a three dollar bill right now and if the world could really see inside my heart I'm afraid they would run away screaming. My shoulders ache with the weight of my thoughts that make my head feel as though it will explode. How do I get out of this? Will I see a light at the end of the tunnel? Will it ever stop raining in my soul? Will the dark clouds ever lift again? How do I figure out a way to navigate this new path I find myself on? It is so dark and scary and different. It makes me want to stop trying and go back to the old way of pretending that everything is fine. But now I've come too far. I can't turn back.
The truth is that I believe I may have taken on more than I can handle. Why did I even choose to open this closet door? Aside from the fact that it is bursting at the seams, I wish I could have found a way to bar the door shut. And as a believer in Jesus it shames me to say I don't even know how to give it to Him. Yep, been a follower of His for 33 years and I am left with more questions than I've ever had before. How do I give this to Him? It is so beyond me. I have no shame in admitting I'm angry at God. I'm a firm believer that He can handle it and even asks for my authenticity with Him. I just don't know how to move beyond this anger. Nothing seems to be working right now. I pray, I read the bible, I plead for help, and yet I hear nothing back. Only silence.
Am I doing something wrong? Is there sin I must confess and repent of? Where do I go from here? Is it a sin that the anger inside of me causes me to wish certain people would cease to exist?
Here's the deal: how do you continue on with life when all you knew of your family has been completely blown out of the water? How do you process it when your own sister is still in a relationshiop with the man who molested her children? Just writing those words makes me want to puke. I can hardly look at it. Maybe this seems prideful? I know I have atrocious sin that doesn't change in level of severity when compared with the righteousness of God. I have even begun the process of forgiving those who molested me. However, I can barely stand up under the experience of watching her children be hurt over and over and over and over again by her actions, or lack of action. It literally makes me see red. And how do I talk to my parents, who won't acknowledge the incredible dysfunction of the situation. These are the secrets I refer to, it is the unspoken rules. Don't say that any family member's behavior is wrong or we will tell you that you should have more compassion. Don't say that any of the family members are making grievous mistakes, or you will be told how you don't quite measure up either. Are you frickin' kidding me? How is this helping anyone????? How? I think maybe, just maybe, after actually writing this out and seeing the words on paper, I may have just lost my mind.